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20030208 - A Good Attitude Towards Mentstruation

About 10 years ago, I found a Kids In The Hall skit which perfectly summed up my attitude towards menstruation. It was on a videotape, and I play-rewind-play-rewind'ed it til I got the whole monologue written down. I memorized it, recited it at parties. A friend wanted a copy of the script. Today, instead of typing it in from my 10-year-old handwritten notes, I found it:

20030206 - Medical Records

I've moved around a bit in the last 5 years, and expect to do so for a while more. I thought I'd collect my various medical records, then they would be at hand if they are needed. So I sent away to the various places where I'd gone for medical attention in college and after. I now understand why they didn't used to like releasing your medical records directly to you -- these have some really weird stuff in them:

  • "Testes descended bilaterally." 19951104
  • "He denies any numbness or tingling in his arms or legs. He denies any pain over the spinous process. He denies any history of trauma." 19990601
  • "External genitilia -- normal. Testes descended bilaterally..." 19990802
  • "Circumcised male penis, normal meatus, normal testicles." 19990830

Not only am I in denial, I'm also disturbed by the amount of attention to my genitilia. I mean, come on, they wouldn't be writing about it so much if it really was 'normal'.

Though there is also:

  • "Head and face -- There is no facial asymmetry." 19981112
I have done multiple self-portraits and actually, my nose does divert just slightly to the left, and my ears aren't perfectly symmetrical.
  • "Does wear seatbelts and helmets regularly." 19990802

Yeah, I'm a laugh riot in cubeland, zooming around the office in my chair with my helmet on.

As sales points, I'd also like to point out:

  • "Neck supple..." 19951106
  • "Well-developed, well-nourished male in NAD." 19960320
  • "Roy is an alert, cooperative gentleman in no acute distress." 19981112
  • "...he is a healthy-appearing white male in no acute distress." 19990601

bilaterally descended,


20030201 - Alien abduction, now!

I'm sick and tired of hearing about how some freak from outerspace came to our fine planet and molested one of our fine herd animals, or scared some kook, or went for a joyride through our skies. Poor people such as those at the Penn & Teller Bullshit site know that they were abducted. This has got to stop.

I say the time is now. Let's fight back.

Let's turn SDI around. Let them bug-eyed suckers try to show up. Heck, let's work together on this, use the spy satellites and various government agencies together.

It's time we start doing the abducting. Veternarians will start leaving specially rigged grenades in cows as a part of the artificial insemination process. Crops should have torque detectors rigged to anti-ballistic missiles. Let's take some clammy grey-skinned weaklings hostage, make them break some rocks with those puny arms, insert some sort of alien tracking device in their cloaca after giving it a good probing, then turn them loose again. Make sure they go back home and tell the rest of their podlings that this planet isn't so easy anymore.

Alien abduction, huh? I'll show you alien abduction!